Working with clients for a number of years, I’ve noticed many experience what I call ‘life-stage anxiety’. They’re the major life milestones that tend to make us reassess and ask, am I living the life I want to live?
The three biggies I tend to hear are the ‘turning 30 crisis’, the ‘should I have a baby?’ conundrum, and the ‘mid-life crisis’. While the latter term is often used in a ‘mocking’ way, there’s no doubt that life-stage anxiety is no joke. It can cause us great confusion, fear and distress.
So let’s look at them in a little more detail.
The big 3-0.
One of the most common of these milestones for my clients, is turning 30. Or maybe I should say, ‘turning 29’, as it’s often the countdown to the big 3-0 that causes major anxiety to strike.
As we near 30, many of us tend to feel we should have our life sorted. After all, doesn’t society tell us we should have found a successful career, life partner and a first step on the property ladder by now?
But with the cost-of-living crisis biting hard, many are grateful to have a job at all, dating can feel daunting at best – confidence shattering at worst, as for getting a foot on the housing ladder – are you having a laugh?
This is also a time when friendships often change. Maybe your mates are settling down and having kids, or maybe you’re the one settling down while they still want to go out partying. Turning 30 can also cause us to question ‘Who am I?’. Maybe we’ve always been the ‘joker’ when deep down we’re actually very sensitive, or perhaps a ‘people pleaser’ who’s secretly furious at feeling we always have to put others first. Whatever is coming up for you as you near 30, counselling can help you make sense of your ‘turning 30 crisis’, and get clarity on how you’d like this next stage of your life to look.
Now, let’s look at another life stage that follows in relatively quick succession, and is probably one of the biggest decisions we’ll ever have to make…
Should I have a baby?
Whatever your gender, the decision whether to have children – particularly if you are the person who will carry them, is huge. Many clients fear once they turn 35 they’ll no longer be able to fall pregnant, thanks to scores of headlines warning that the fertility of people assigned female at birth declines drastically from the age of 35.
It’s not just fertility that is a source of anxiety. If a client is single, but longing for children, the pressure to find ‘the one’ before hitting the dreaded 35 can feel huge. But even those with partners face some tough decisions. Do I want kids? Does my partner? What if I don’t want them right now – how late dare I leave it? What if I’m trying but nothing is happening? As well as all this, Trans and non-binary people who can carry a child, may have a wealth of other concerns about what pregnancy might look like for them – particularly if they are in hormonal transition.
And what if you don’t want children? This can also raise a lot of confusing, often painful feelings. Perhaps it confounds what society, friends or family expect of us. It might even confound what we expect of ourselves. Or perhaps, you’re just really not sure what you want.
Having space to talk about your feelings without judgement – where no statement is taboo, can help give you clarity about what is right for you.
The final type of life-stage anxiety that tends to show up in my counselling practice quite a lot, is:
Mid-life anxiety.
Forget what you see in the media – I’ve yet to have a middle-aged stockbroker wearing leather trousers and riding a Harley attend my practice (although I would most certainly welcome them) – the so-called ‘mid-life crisis’ can affect anyone, regardless of gender.
As we hit mid-life, our sense of stability can take a hit as things we’ve taken for granted can suddenly be turned on their heads. Children may be leaving home – and leaving some partners to wonder what they still have to bind them. Elderly parents might need more of our time and help, making the uncomfortable truth that they’re not immortal a little harder to push away.
Our health tends to come into focus too. The menopause in particular can bring huge changes to the body, mind, and emotions. While yes, for some, it can be a positive time of transition, others who come to my practice may be struggling with feelings of anger, sadness, and grief – not just at a loss of fertility, but a perceived loss of youth or attractiveness. It can be a bewildering time for partners too.
For most of us, mid-life tends to be a time of reflection. What have I done with my life? What have I achieved? What dreams got lost along the way? And perhaps most importantly, where do I want to go next, are all questions I can explore with you in counselling.
From anxiety to acceptance.
Whatever age you are, or what stage of life you are at, if you are feeling worried, anxious or a little bit lost, please get in touch. Talking through those difficult feelings with a counsellor is the first step to taking back control.