Hating dating? If so, you’re not the only one. In my therapy room, I frequently hear people of all genders describing the anxiety, the self-doubt, not to mention the dreaded ‘ghosting’ that often occurs as a result of trying to find romance online.
While the obvious answer might appear to be – don’t use dating apps then, the reality of course, is a little more complicated.
While recent research from Statista shows around one fifth of the UK now uses dating apps, the perception among younger clients tends to be that everyone is using them. Certainly, that may be the case in their particular friendship group. So, if it appears that everyone is using dating apps, the feeling tends to be – if I don’t, I’ve no hope of ever finding a relationship.
But is that really true?
The risk is, with all hopes pinned on dating apps, we may be unconsciously shutting ourselves off from making real world connections. Back in the 1980s when I was a teen, a date might come from chatting to someone at a bus stop, flirting with someone at a bar, or bonding over band t-shirts at a gig.
Of course, these are all things that can and do still happen now, but the aim of this blog isn’t to give you dating tips. There’s lots of articles online about ways to meet people beyond dating apps. What this blog, and indeed, therapy aims to do, is to challenge the beliefs and assumptions you hold about relationships. ie: If I can’t find love on dating apps, I’m doomed!
When does dating become a relationship?
The way we meet romantic partners isn’t the only thing that has changed since the advent of dating apps. The way we define our relationships has too. As recently as 20 years ago, when you started ‘going out’ with someone (‘dating’ was what Americans did!), there was implicit understanding that neither of you were seeing anyone else. The premise being, if after a few dates it’s not working out, one or both parties would call it a day, before finding someone else to go out with. Of course, ‘two-timing’ as it used to be called, has always happened, but it was very much frowned upon and generally kept a secret.
Now the opposite tends to be true. Many assume their dates will be seeing multiple people, possibly across several dating apps, until there is an agreement that you will be ‘exclusive’. Along with this usually comes an assumption or explicit agreement that you will each then come off the dating apps.
Sounds straightforward, but this relatively new style of dating can activate some very deeply held beliefs, fears and insecurities.
Dating dilemmas
Some modern dating dilemmas you might recognise include:
- ‘Dating FOMO’ – where you’re constantly afraid to commit in case someone ‘better’ comes along.
- Dating the same kind of person over and over again. Their profiles all seem so different, so why do they always turn out to be cheats/clingers/cold fish etc..?
- You really want a relationship – but the thought of going ‘exclusive’ makes you feel suffocated and freaked out.
- You long to be ‘exclusive’ – but are too terrified to say so, for fear you’ll be seen as ‘needy’ then dumped.
- You’re hooked on the thrill of dating someone new, then quickly get bored.
Whatever your dating concern, counselling can help you explore, understand, and if necessary, challenge deeply held fears and beliefs. Our experience of romantic love is largely influenced by our attachment style – a pattern of relating that develops in early childhood. So looking at your relationship with close family members might also be beneficial.
If you are finding dating difficult for any of the reasons mentioned, or for an entirely different reason that you would like to explore, then get in touch to discuss possible next steps.