Change – it’s the thing all clients who come to me are looking for. Maybe they want to improve their self-esteem, feel more confident, or be more assertive. Or perhaps they want to change a situation – leave a job, end a relationship, set boundaries in their friendships.
All these things involve a desire for something to change. And yet, so often, change is also a thing that terrifies us. This sets up an internal tug-of-war, where part of us is longing for things to be different, and another – often less conscious part – is doing it’s very best to keep things exactly as they are.
Sound confusing? Let me give you a fictional example. Let’s imagine you’re in a job that makes you miserable. The hours are long, your boss is a bully, and the pay is poor. One part of you says – ‘I can’t stand this, I’m going to quit!’ But then another, more anxious voice pipes up – ‘What if I can’t get a new job? Or what if I do and my new boss is worse? At least I’ve got some good workmates here, and the commute’s not that long. And anyway, everyone knows it’s impossible to get an interview these days…’
Before you know it, you’ve come up with 10 reasons why you really shouldn’t bother looking for another job, and why staying where you are is safer.
‘Safe’ being the key word here. You know that old saying – ‘Better the devil you know’? That’s all about fear of change, the unknown, and of not feeling safe.
So while we often crave change in our lives, a more deep rooted, fearful part of us can think ‘sod that!’ and do its very best to sabotage any attempt we might make to do things differently.
Sometimes we might feel it’s not us that needs to change at all, but everyone else. If you’re struggling to find love, maybe you feel the men or women you meet are to blame for being too ‘toxic’ or ‘needy’ or too ‘picky’. Perhaps you feel frustrated when friends come up with advice, and find yourself saying ‘No, but…’ to everything they say. You feel misunderstood, blamed even, and that feels frustrating and isolating.
If you’re wanting to change but are feeling stuck, or are too scared to contemplate change at all, then I can help you to find clarity – on what is keeping you stuck, on what if anything you’d really like to change, and together we can come up with a plan to help you do just that.