Most of us have had moments in our lives when we’ve felt ‘not good enough’. Maybe we’ve doubted our talents after a rough day at work, or felt unattractive after noticing another wrinkle or blemish in the mirror.
But for some people, feeling ‘not good enough’ goes beyond the occasional negative thought or bad day, and instead becomes a core belief they hold about themselves. The ‘not good enough’ self then becomes an identity, in some cases, acting as a kind of protective cloak. If I believe I’m no good, maybe it won’t hurt so much if you tell me that too?
So where do these ‘not good enough’ feelings come from?
There are a myriad of reasons why someone might believe they are not good enough. The answers usually lie in messages we received in childhood. These may have been explicit messages – being told we weren’t pretty, clever, or loveable enough by a critical or abusive parent. Often though, the messages may be more subtle, or even, completely unintentional. For example, if your parents always said – ‘Never mind, you tried your best’ whenever you got a B in a school test – that could have been heard as ‘Oh dear, your best isn’t quite up to scratch.’ If that message is internalised enough times, your grades not being ‘good enough’, can soon become ‘I am not good enough’.
Each family has what the founder of person-centred therapy Carl Rogers called ‘Conditions of Worth’ – essentially, the things your parents require from you, in order to win their love and approval. Some of these conditions will appear as explicitly stated family ‘rules’ – work hard at school, don’t fight with your siblings, always say please and thank you, etc.
Others may be more subtle. While you might never have been told ‘don’t show your feelings’, if mum or dad always told you to ‘stop crying’, ‘be a brave boy/girl’, or encouraged you to ‘look on the bright side’ whenever you were feeling sad, chances are in time you’ll have learned that sad feelings simply weren’t allowed.
What else wasn’t allowed in your family? Was crying allowed, especially if you were a boy? Was being gay or trans allowed? What about anger – were family members allowed to disagree, raise their voice, show their displeasure? If it feels hard to identify what wasn’t allowed in your family, maybe consider the parts of yourself that you hide. Do you hide your sexuality, swallow your anger, never ask for your needs to be met? If so, what does that tell you about the conditions of worth you may have received?
How can I learn to love myself?
So, now you’ve a sense of where your feelings of worthlessness might have come from, you might be wondering – how can I stop feeling ‘not good enough’?
Sure, I could list a bunch of steps like ‘stop comparing yourself’ or ‘cultivate confidence’. But while admirable aims, if it really were that simple to stop comparing or be confident, we’d have all done so by now, wouldn’t we?
So, before we can truly answer the question – ‘how can I stop feeling that I’m ‘not good enough’’, some other, far more challenging questions might need to be asked.
Is there a part of you that is scared to let the ‘not good enough’ label go? What do you imagine might happen if you didn’t doubt yourself anymore? Might there be resistance from family or friends to you changing? Are there people who benefit from your self-doubt?
Counselling is a good place to explore these kinds of questions safely. But in the meantime, if you are struggling with feelings of low self-worth, one scientifically proven way of increasing your happiness and improving your self-esteem, is the practice of gratitude. I wrote all about gratitude journaling in an earlier blog post here. Don’t be put off by the worthy sounding ‘practice of gratitude’. It’s simply a way of being able to put your problems into perspective, and be thankful for the good in your life. And it really, really works!
But, journalling alone won’t shift a lifetime of self-doubt. So if you’d like to talk to me in more depth, please get in touch to discuss your options. Please remember, I may have some low cost and fortnightly sessions currently available, so don’t be scared to ask.