If your dates keep disappearing, trust me, it’s probably not your fault!
Why it’s time to stop ‘ghosting’.
Almost anyone who’s ever used a dating app will know what it’s like to be ghosted. Three dates in, just when you’d dared to believe everything was going great, your not-so-significant-other suddenly drops off the radar, never to be heard from again.
For some, this is received with a weary shrug and dismissed as just part of the modern dating landscape. Annoying, yes, but not devastating. For others, it can provoke a range of painful emotions – bewilderment, rage, rejection, and a hopeless sense of not being ‘good enough’.
Not knowing why you’ve been ghosted is often the most difficult part. ‘What did I do wrong?’ you ask yourself over and over again. But for once, the dreaded break-up cliché – ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ might well the truth, because believe me, you are not alone!
A recent survey by dating app Badoo showed 72 per cent of Londoners had been ghosted on average six times. So what makes someone ghost another person?
The real reason people ghost.
Perhaps the first step to understanding is to look inwards and consider, have you ever ‘ghosted’ someone? If you haven’t, chances are you may have engaged in ghosting’s close cousin – the ‘blow out’. You know how it is – it’s a rainy Thursday evening and you’re supposed to be meeting a mate for a drink, but you’re cold, knackered, and frankly can’t be arsed, so you drop them a text – ‘Really sorry, but I’ve got a migraine/have to work late/need to perform CPR on my budgie’ – rather than just tell them the truth.
Why?
You tell yourself you don’t want to offend them, hurt them even. And those things may be true. But dig a little deeper and you’ll usually find there’s more going on. Ask yourself, why don’t I want to hurt or offend? What do I fear might happen if I do? If it’s a friend or loved one, perhaps you fear confrontation – an argument, or someone being ‘off’ with you. Not something anyone enjoys, but consider, what’s so difficult about confrontation? What do you fear might happen if you say ‘no’ to someone close, or disagree with them? Do you worry they won’t like you? Or worse, might reject or abandon you? And if so, does lying or avoiding difficult conversations feel easier?
Transfer all this to the dating scene and you can see why some people go to great lengths to avoid sharing their real feelings with you. If you’ve only recently started dating, telling someone you don’t want to see them anymore could at best feel uncomfortable, or at worst frightening or even risky.
When people ghost, chances are it’s because they’re afraid of facing someone else’s anger, disapproval, or disappointment. These are fears picked up in childhood. If you ghost, consider, who didn’t I want to anger, upset or disappoint when I was little? Whose approval was vital for my survival?
Of course, conflict avoidance and people pleasing aren’t the only reason someone might ghost another person. The person ghosting you might have an avoidant attachment style.
What is avoidant attachment?
All humans are born with the need for close emotional bonds with their caregivers. However, some parenting styles mean we learn to avoid emotional attachment. Perhaps our parents were emotionally unavailable or unresponsive, telling us it’s wrong to show our feelings, or that we need to be tough and stand on our own two feet. As a result, children with avoidant attachment grow into adults who tend to prize their independence highly, and avoid intimate relationships. They don’t like to depend on people, and can feel overwhelmed by the needs of another. So, if you’re dating an avoidantly attached person, and they perceive your needs as being ‘too much’ for them, they may ghost you – not to be mean, but to stop themselves feeling overwhelmed.
Of course, there’s a chance that the person ghosting might simply lack empathy, and sadly, not really care how their behaviour impacts others.
If you have been ghosted, and are feeling hurt, shamed, angry or rejected, be gentle with yourself. Take some time out to practice self-care, grieve and acknowledge your feelings. If you find yourself very negatively impacted however, or you are someone who frequently ghosts others, it might be something to explore with a counsellor.