Being a ‘people pleaser’ isn’t just about always saying yes, although that’s a big part of it. It can also look like:
- Being a ‘fixer’ – if a friend, partner or family member has a problem, you’re itching to be the one that makes everything OK.
- Being indispensable – never mind if someone rings in the middle of the Traitors final/the middle of the night/the middle of a busy working day, you’ll stop what you’re doing to listen, no matter how inconvenient.
- Always being strong – while you’re busy looking after everybody else’s wants, needs and feelings, yours get put to one side, and more often than not, completely forgotten.
- Feeling resentful but never showing it – part of you is angry, fed up, and longs to ‘no’, but another part of you feels too guilty and too afraid of the damage you think that might cause, so you keep on swallowing it down.
- Conflict avoidance – no one relishes conflict, but if the thought of disagreeing with someone, even over something tiny, feels utterly terrifying, you may be holding trauma in your nervous system. A trauma response called the ‘fawn’ response, is when our body perceives danger and threat, and so in order to keep safe, we choose to keep the other person happy.
Not all ‘people pleasing’ is rooted in trauma. It may be behaviour we’ve learnt within our family – and there can be many reasons for that. But remember, if behaviour can be learnt, it can be unlearnt too.
If you’d like to understand your ‘people pleasing’ and, in time, learn how to change it, then do get in touch.